In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything.
Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check.
Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany.
She said, 'Cut it out'

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I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board.
You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.

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I love to go shopping.
I love to freak out salespeople.
They ask me if they can help me, and I say,
'Have you got anything I'd like?'
Then they ask me what size I need, and I say,
'Extra medium.'

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I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose.
Now when I get pulled over, the cop looks at it
[moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly],
and says, 'Here, you can go'

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Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. . . .
If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head.
If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.

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The power in my apartment went out the other night.
I had to use the flash on my camera to find my way around.
I took twenty seven pictures of my kitchen while I was making a sandwich.
The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.

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I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . .
He said, 'Stephen, why haven't you called me?'
I said, 'I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it.'
He said, 'How long have you had it?'
I said, 'I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it.'

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A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, 'Why were you going so fast?'
I said, 'See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator.
When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine.
The whole car just takes right off.
And see this thing? This steers it.'

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Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, 'So. What did you think?'

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I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep.
Mom said, 'Steven, time to go to sleep.'
I said, 'But I don't know how.'
She said, 'It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left.'
So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right.
My mother was there, and she said 'I thought I told you to go to sleep.'

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