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I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where's the self-help section?”
She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving.
He said it was elevator practice.
He said it was elevator practice.
You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail,
and then you remember it really is?
I'm like that all the time.
and then you remember it really is?
I'm like that all the time.
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building . . . on the ledge.
Some people are afraid of heights.
Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Some people are afraid of heights.
Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
I got an answering machine for my phone. . . .
Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . .
they hear a recording of a busy signal.
Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . .
they hear a recording of a busy signal.
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.
I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs,
and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step?
I'm like that all the time.
and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step?
I'm like that all the time.
My girlfriend has a Queen-size bed. . . . I have a Court Jester size bed. . . .
It's red and green, has bells on it . . . and the ends curl up.
It's red and green, has bells on it . . . and the ends curl up.
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. The harmonica sounds 'amazing.'
I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale.
She said, 'It's free with purchase.'
I asked her if anyone bought anything today.
She said, 'It's free with purchase.'
I asked her if anyone bought anything today.
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On Anger: "For every minute you remain angry, you give up sixty seconds of peace of mind."
Essays
Essays
On Destiny: "Our destiny exercises its influence over us even when, as yet, we have not learned its nature: it is our future that lays down the law of our today."
Human, All Too Human
Human, All Too Human
On Friendship: "A crowd is not company; and faces are but a gallery of pictures; and talk but a tinkling cymbal, where there is no love."
Essays
Essays