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My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.
I have a map of the United States . . . actual size.
It says, “Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile”
I spent last summer folding it.
It says, “Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile”
I spent last summer folding it.
A beautiful woman moved in next door.
So I went over and returned a cup of sugar.
'You didn't borrow this.'
'I will.'
So I went over and returned a cup of sugar.
'You didn't borrow this.'
'I will.'
It's a good thing we have gravity
or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there.
Hunters would be all confused.
or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there.
Hunters would be all confused.
Every once in a while I like to stick my head out the window,
look up at the sky and smile . . .
for a satellite picture.
look up at the sky and smile . . .
for a satellite picture.
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you.
Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
I have the world's largest collection of seashells.
I keep it on all the beaches of the world. . . .
Perhaps you've seen it.
I keep it on all the beaches of the world. . . .
Perhaps you've seen it.
The judge asked, 'What do you plead?'
I said, 'Insanity, your honor.
Who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?'
I said, 'Insanity, your honor.
Who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?'
My friend Sally is a nudist.
I went to her house.
The closets have no doors.
The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.
I went to her house.
The closets have no doors.
The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.
I was born by Caesarian section . . . but not so you'd notice.
It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.
It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.
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On Anger: "For every minute you remain angry, you give up sixty seconds of peace of mind."
Essays
Essays
On Destiny: "Our destiny exercises its influence over us even when, as yet, we have not learned its nature: it is our future that lays down the law of our today."
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On Friendship: "A crowd is not company; and faces are but a gallery of pictures; and talk but a tinkling cymbal, where there is no love."
Essays
Essays