Steven Wright
United States
Born on 6 Dec 1955
Comedian
Born on 6 Dec 1955
Comedian
Quotes
<< Prev Next >>
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me,
'Did you sleep well?'
I said, 'No, I made a few mistakes'
'Did you sleep well?'
I said, 'No, I made a few mistakes'
I have an answering machine in my car.
It says, 'I'm home now.
But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out'
It says, 'I'm home now.
But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out'
Sponges grow in the ocean.
That just kills me.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
That just kills me.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
I was sad because I had no shoes,
until I met a man who had no feet.
So I said, 'Got any shoes you're not using?'
until I met a man who had no feet.
So I said, 'Got any shoes you're not using?'
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights.
I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
Since light travels faster than sound,
isn't that why some people appear bright . . .
until you hear them speak?
isn't that why some people appear bright . . .
until you hear them speak?
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out.
When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
Sorry . . . my mind was wandering . . .
One time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn't pay for.
One time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn't pay for.
When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle.
A little old lady had to help me across the street.
A little old lady had to help me across the street.
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money.
They said, 'What for?'
I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
They said, 'What for?'
I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
Search
On Anger: "For every minute you remain angry, you give up sixty seconds of peace of mind."
Essays
Essays
On Destiny: "Our destiny exercises its influence over us even when, as yet, we have not learned its nature: it is our future that lays down the law of our today."
Human, All Too Human
Human, All Too Human
On Friendship: "A crowd is not company; and faces are but a gallery of pictures; and talk but a tinkling cymbal, where there is no love."
Essays
Essays