Steven Wright
United States
Born on 6 Dec 1955
Comedian
Born on 6 Dec 1955
Comedian
Quotes
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How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest,
but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
The sun never sets on the British Empire.
But it rises every morning.
The sky must get awfully crowded.
But it rises every morning.
The sky must get awfully crowded.
When I was a little kid we had a sand box.
It was a quicksand box.
I was an only child . . . eventually.
It was a quicksand box.
I was an only child . . . eventually.
All of the people in my building are insane.
The guy above me designs synthetic herbals for ceramic cats.
The guy above me designs synthetic herbals for ceramic cats.
Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients,
but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
Why is the alphabet in that order?
Is it because of that song . . . the guy who wrote that, wrote everything.
Is it because of that song . . . the guy who wrote that, wrote everything.
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday.
She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
I went for a walk last night, and my kids asked me
how long I was going to be gone.
I said, “The whole time.”
how long I was going to be gone.
I said, “The whole time.”
In school, every period ends with a bell.
Every sentence ends with a period.
Every crime ends with a sentence.
Every sentence ends with a period.
Every crime ends with a sentence.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time.'
So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
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On Anger: "For every minute you remain angry, you give up sixty seconds of peace of mind."
Essays
Essays
On Destiny: "Our destiny exercises its influence over us even when, as yet, we have not learned its nature: it is our future that lays down the law of our today."
Human, All Too Human
Human, All Too Human
On Friendship: "A crowd is not company; and faces are but a gallery of pictures; and talk but a tinkling cymbal, where there is no love."
Essays
Essays