Joke
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Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali.
He was using a dotted line.
He caught every other fish.
He was using a dotted line.
He caught every other fish.
I put tape on my mirrors at my house so I won't accidentally walk through them into another dimension.
I just bought a microwave fireplace.
You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.
You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.
I eat Swiss cheese.
But I only nibble on it.
I make the holes bigger.
I eat it from the inside out.
But I only nibble on it.
I make the holes bigger.
I eat it from the inside out.
I watched the Indy 500,
and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day
because that means it's going to be up all night.
because that means it's going to be up all night.
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday.
Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
[Referring to a glass of water:]
I mixed this myself.
Two parts H, one part O.
I don't trust anybody!
I mixed this myself.
Two parts H, one part O.
I don't trust anybody!
Officer, I know I was going faster than 55 mile per hour,
but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table.
They couldn't help me.
They couldn't help me.
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On Anger: "For every minute you remain angry, you give up sixty seconds of peace of mind."
Essays
Essays
On Destiny: "Our destiny exercises its influence over us even when, as yet, we have not learned its nature: it is our future that lays down the law of our today."
Human, All Too Human
Human, All Too Human
On Friendship: "A crowd is not company; and faces are but a gallery of pictures; and talk but a tinkling cymbal, where there is no love."
Essays
Essays