Steven Wright
United States
Born on 6 Dec 1955
Comedian
Born on 6 Dec 1955
Comedian
Quotes
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If you can't hear me,
it's because I'm in parentheses.
it's because I'm in parentheses.
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
You can't have everything. . . .
Where would you put it?
Where would you put it?
I got food poisoning today.
I don't know when I'll use it.
I don't know when I'll use it.
I've never seen electricity,
that's why I don't pay for it.
that's why I don't pay for it.
I like to torture my plants by watering them with ice cubes.
It's a small world,
but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
If you were going to shoot a mime,
would you use a silencer?
would you use a silencer?
I'm moving to Mars next week,
so if you have any boxes . . .
so if you have any boxes . . .
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On Anger: "For every minute you remain angry, you give up sixty seconds of peace of mind."
Essays
Essays
On Destiny: "Our destiny exercises its influence over us even when, as yet, we have not learned its nature: it is our future that lays down the law of our today."
Human, All Too Human
Human, All Too Human
On Friendship: "A crowd is not company; and faces are but a gallery of pictures; and talk but a tinkling cymbal, where there is no love."
Essays
Essays