Steven Wright
United States
Born on 6 Dec 1955
Comedian
Born on 6 Dec 1955
Comedian
Quotes
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A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space.
On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.'
On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.'
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture.
You don't have to go.
You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.
You don't have to go.
You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.
They say we're 98% water.
We're that close to drowning. . . .
[picks up his glass of water from the stool] . . .
I like to live on the edge. . . .
We're that close to drowning. . . .
[picks up his glass of water from the stool] . . .
I like to live on the edge. . . .
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign.
He said, 'Didn't you see the stop sign?'
I said, 'Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read'
He said, 'Didn't you see the stop sign?'
I said, 'Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read'
I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish.
I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck.
The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck.
The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
For a while I didn't have a car . . . I had a helicopter . . . no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running. [slow glance upward]
I didn't get a toy train like the other kids.
I got a toy subway instead.
You couldn't see anything, but every now and then
you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.
I got a toy subway instead.
You couldn't see anything, but every now and then
you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is.
Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say,
'I think I might have written that.'
Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say,
'I think I might have written that.'
I worked in a health food store once.
A guy came in and asked me,
'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?'
I said, 'I don't know . . . let me ask Tony.'
A guy came in and asked me,
'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?'
I said, 'I don't know . . . let me ask Tony.'
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On Anger: "For every minute you remain angry, you give up sixty seconds of peace of mind."
Essays
Essays
On Destiny: "Our destiny exercises its influence over us even when, as yet, we have not learned its nature: it is our future that lays down the law of our today."
Human, All Too Human
Human, All Too Human
On Friendship: "A crowd is not company; and faces are but a gallery of pictures; and talk but a tinkling cymbal, where there is no love."
Essays
Essays